Patronizing patriarchy!

So, the other day, my "husband" (read: common law spouse) and I were buying something at a store. As there were none of the desired item in stock, the store had to mail it to us. Annoying, but whatever. The male cashier started taking down our info and this is the conversation that ensued:

Cashier: Name?
Me: I'll give you his name 'cause we were using his credit card
Cashier: Ok
Me: Abc. Xyz
Cashier: Actually, how 'bout I get both of your names?
Me: Ok. Sarah
Cashier: (interrupting) Xyz.

Me: Uh (pause) Sure.
Cashier: Oh, I know what that means...

Really, sir? Do you REALLY know what that means? Do you know that it means that I decided not to correct your assumption that we are a) married, and b) that I took his name? Do you know that you assumed that I obliged the expectation that I would give up MY birth name and take on HIS? Do you really know what that means?

I am not an Xyz and, to be honest, I never will be (married or not). However, I pick my battles; it's just easier for me to say 'sure' than to say "Well, no. My last name is different."

Of all the ways the patriarchy is manifested in my society, the patrilineal system is at the top of my list of irritants. When I was 3 years old, I found out that my grandmother had had her married name longer than her birth name. I was appalled! The story is that I yelled "What?! No man is going to take MY name away from ME!" I have never wavered from that conviction.

The expectation that I should or would bothers me. Why would I give up the name that my parents gave me? Imagine me being Mrs. Abc Xzy. What would that say about my identity? My individuality? My independence? That would make me an extension of him, like his child. Why is that expectation ok?

No, thanks. I don't want to be the property of my husband. I don't want to be an extension of him. Although I carry the name of my father, and thus, am an extension of him, I like my name; it was given to me at birth and I will never change it.

I was curious to find out why women change their last names when they marry and when it started. After some half-hearted web research, this is the only thing that I found that addressed it directly. I have no faith in this source, but it's something. It attributes the origin of name-changing to the Bible. What doesn't originate from the Bible!? (Stay tuned for the standard of Christianity). Ugh.

Let's clarify the fundamentals...

What do I mean by 'societal standard?' A standard is something established by authority, custom, or general consent as a model or example. In my society, the prominent standards are whiteness, ability, Christianity, heterosexuality, youth (but not too young), wealth, and maleness. The society is built to accommodate the people who measure up. Everyone else is relegated to the margins where they face countless, often insurmountable, barriers through institutionalized oppression.

Often, people who measure up have no idea about the barriers oppressed people face. That's because they don't have to, and because they are conditioned not to. The people who measure up are privileged; they benefit in ways that they don't even know, and they have the luxury of not having to know.

These standards are so ingrained that we often don't recognized them, anymore. I cannot tell you how many people (women included) tell me that female humans are no longer oppressed. Really, though? Really? That idea cannot be further from the truth (which I will address at a later date - probably tomorrow after I take my car to the shop).

Patriarchal standards are deeply ingrained that they are actually evident in our language - women, woman, human, mankind... there are numerous examples. It's even true in other languages.
Let's look at French:
Elle - female
Elles - more than one female
Il - male
Ils - any group with one or more males (it could be 50 women and one man, and it's still Ils).

These standards are reinforced in social systems - education, health care, legal, penal, governmental, and economic. We are conditioned to measure up to these standards, even if we never can, or don't want to.